I have crawled out of my cave that holds all my artisanal jams I have been making over the past few months in solitude to give you a run down of the best, worst, and funnier moments of Asheville history/herstory of 2014. Let's go bitches!
Moment That Made Me Shed Tears of Joy
Asheville's most badass villian with a dark history of sporting a nice '80s mullet, Tim Moffitt
, loses his seat in the NC House of Reps to Brian Turner
. Who knew Turner's little headquarters off Brevard Rd could hold so much power? I will miss Moffitt however, not because of all the nightmares I have had over the years of his abysmal policies, but his jawline really looks like it can cut a bitch down.
Moment That Made Me Say HUH?
Several weeks back, conservative representatives in our funky little city wanted to hold a PRO POLICE RALLY in wake of all the Ferguson/Garner news and protests. It was thankfully cancelled, but I'm sure they will find some weird conservative rally to hold soon because bad ideas always seem to happen with this group. Can we just have a Pro-Police Rally at Scandals
with hot police men dancing for me? Who is game? Holla!
Moment When Meatloaf and Asheville Combined
Asheville social media and grandmothers went nuts earlier this year with the crowning of the current American Idol
winner Caleb Johnson
who hails from Asheville. Call him what you want – a burden, Meatloaf Part Dos, Mini-Meats, but Asheville hit the national spotlight yet again this year. I am also very proud of myself for the new nickname I just wrote for him: Mini-Meats.
Moment in Which We Failed
We were up against big odds this year in trying to make that zombie float tubing record thing happen. We were up against Portland, our bastard cousin who thinks they are better than us. We were up against people who kinda like zombies but don't want to dedicate an afternoon dressed up as one. We were up against ourselves as a collective group who praises community but couldn't convince more people to participate. We were up against people already drunk/high but couldn't catch a ride. We lost this weird contest, which stings my heart, but I'm sure we can break it or some other record next year. Damn you Portland, damn you straight to hell.
Moments in Restaurant History
Bars and restaurants come and go each year here, this is nothing new, but I would like to take the time to recognize some cool new spots that popped up in 2014: The artisanal doughnut joints because I really like spending 6 dollars on a doughnut crafted by a hipster in skinny jeans. It just tastes better. The moment in which the Ethiopian place actually announced its opening. The rise in cool places on the South Slope like the Funkatorium
sour tasting room because I just like typing/saying "funkatorium." Now that I mentioned all these places, I bet they will close in the next few months because that's how Asheville can roll. But let's hope not.
Moment in Cool Indie Hipster Happenings
, the badass little indie record shop that could, turned 10 years young this year. Everytime I go to Harvest Records
, I secretly wish it was Rex Manning Day and I can dance in a mini-plaid school girl skirt while I secretly lust for a young Ethan Embry
. I lost my train of thought with this, but congrats Harvest!
Moment in Which Asheville Became the New Hollywood
Fuck you Wilmington, Asheville is the new NC filming spot! (at least it was for a brief, beautiful moment). We had a ton of celebrity sightings this year, mainly for that movie starring the human broken nose Owen Wilson
and the human male beard Zach Galifianakis
. Downtown was all a buzz with sightings, especially Owen, at this place and the other and trying to get selfies with these stars. There were some other celebrity sightings outside this movie also, from the blonde no one liked on Lost
, at some coffee shop in Arden, Bryan Cranston
swinging into town for a memorial service, hit up Trader Joe's and to cook up some meth, head bitch in charge of the Scandal
White House, Bellamy Young,
came back to visit her hometown, and my secret lover Jude Law
came into town to visit me of course, as well to do some research about portraying Thomas Wolfe
(I hear he was a writer in town?)
Here's to another interesting year!